The air was a combination of warm and a hint of cool breeze touched my oiled skin. I reached over my luggage and walked inside the airport with my whole family in tow. I could see people slumped back on the waiting area, security guards standing by the door and the smell of cheesy french fries floating in the air. That was how I last remembered before I left Cebu after my dear mother's funeral.
Hugging my sister during my mom's funeral.My stay in Cebu at that time was far from great. Since I came home I stayed in the hospital taking care of my cancer stricken mother for 2 weeks until her demise on February 18,2012. She had Kidney Cancer Stage 4 metastasized to the lungs, both kidneys and godknows where else. Her CT scan showed very little to no hope. Her blood pressure was a joke, they were pumping her with pressors like there was no tomorrow. Her urine output of course with her extremely low BP was non existent despite the bucketload of diuretics they've been giving her, not even a drop can be seen in her foley. Her breathing was getting more irregular and becomes lesser and lesser. Then her heart rate started dipping. I could see her slipping away from us but I was holding on to a very small piece of string. I knew what was coming and no matter what I do, I knew Her situation was beyond anybody's control anymore. It finally dawned on me that this is really happening. I reached the point where I closed my eyes and wish that I would just slip away with her. It was the most depressing time of my life that even breathing makes it feel like a chore. My mom suffered a lot, seeing her in pain was my living nightmare. Despite working as a nurse, attending to sick people everyday, nothing could ever prepare me from feeling worst than I could possibly feel especially when the most important person in my life took her very last breath right before my very eyes. That scene haunted me for months. I wake up from my sleep crying for having repeated nightmares of that very scene.
Everyday I tried to recall good memories of my mom to ease the pain but that night when her heartbeat went away, so did my heart.
I hear the last call for passengers on a certain flight about to depart, it was't mine, but the sound brought me back to where I was in that time, at the airport about to wave goodbye to my family.
I looked around and saw the events unfold right before me in that very minute. I saw families hugging each other, a mother with I think her son holding hands and with glint of tears shining in her eyes. I could feel the mother's sadness as she kissed her son on the forehead and let her hand go. She waved goodbye but never took her eyes away from her son until she can't see him no more. That must be hard. I've been in that place before and seeing that scene draws me back to the time when my mom sends me off the airport. She would cry and cry until I leave. I wish I was just saying goodbye to her like this. Saying goodbye temporarily like this... like I would still see her again when I come back. But it wasn't the case anymore. I would never see her face beaming when she would pick me up at the airport when I arrive and I would never get to see her sad cry when I leave to go back to the US. I quickly blinked my tears away and shook those thoughts out of my head and tried to look around for distraction. I can't get too emotional again and end up with a total meltdown there at the airport.
Then I noticed in one corner of the room, a group of young people talking loudly, happily chatting to each other, giddy and excited like maybe they are going to go for an adventure to another place. I wish I was in their place. I wish I was going somewhere to take a vacation. I wish I was leaving to a place where I can relax and relieve the stress. But I wasn't...
I found myself sitting in the airplane chair with the flight attendant I guess barking last minute flight safety instructions to the passengers. I could hear the engines roaring, people chattering, people out the window preparing for our departure but there I was hearing nothing but buzzing sounds, seeing nothing but a blank canvass. With a heavy heart, I flew back to the US.
Taken during the mass.
My then Fiance-then-now-my-husband, picked me up from the airport. He greeted me with a very tight hug with no words but eyes that speak so much. I was relieved not to hear anything from his mouth but that tight hug was all I needed to make me feel a little better. We drove home in silence. There was no need for words, just him beside me was all I need that very moment. I guess he understood.
I decided to work as soon as possible after my arrival in the US. Staying home makes me feel worse. The sound of the clock in my room and the birds chirping outside my window were driving me nuts. I thought that going back to work would make me busy and maybe I could forget my sadness even just a little bit.
I drove to work with much anticipation, I never really missed working but I needed an outlet somewhere to release my stress. Work though is another stress but at least it would not keep my brain idle. Right off the bat, the moment when I stepped inside my unit my coworkers greeted and gave their condolences. I know it's just appropriate but that actually made me come back to reality again. I was holding back my tears all throughout my shift. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to come back to work sooner I believe. I managed to finish my shift without a meltdown but with a heavier than usual heart. I felt like my world is crashing down on me. It didn't help that the patient I'm caring for had stage 4 cancer and in so much pain that she needs to be on a maxed dose of morphine plus PCA.
I came home crying and that sequence continued for weeks. I was about to consider seeing a psych counselor for my own good until one night I had a total meltdown at home. My fiance-then-now-my-hubby hugged me real tight and told me that it's going to be alright. He let me cry my heart out and hugged me tighter than ever. I spent my whole energy just crying for hours and hours and finally when I settled down he said that I needed to forgive myself for my mom's death. I actually felt at fault for not seeing her symptoms sooner, or maybe not taking care of her better.. I blamed myself for her death that I cannot forgive my own person. My Husband told me to let it go, that she is in a better place now. I knew that she is in a better place now but what that night taught me was forgiveness. I have learned to forgive myself and let her go that night. That incident helped me so much that I felt much lighter since that very day.
Since then I realized that we really do not own our life. It can be taken away from us anytime even without warning. I was lucky enough to have spent my mom's remaining days beside her. Taking care of her until her last breath was something that I would never trade in for the world. For the few weeks that I have left when she was still alive, I was able to tell her how much I love her. Able to make her feel how much I cared and able to take care of her just like how she took care of me. I may not have enough time to make her feel how much I love her but I guess I have passed on that message across the board and hopefuly she brought it with her through her next life.
Days become more bearable but I still remember my mother everyday. This time I have learned to remember her as a good memory. Losing her truly made me feel that life indeed is very short. Fifty seven years of her life felt like It was just yesterday, too short. Very, very short. I wish I could have said more I love you's, I wish I could have hugged her more often, I wish I could see her smile once again & most of all, I wish it was just all a dream. I wish I was just writing this whole article like this never really happened.. But it did.. So please, take time to say I love you to the people you love. Spend time with them as much as you can. Remember there is only one thing in this world that I am sure of, and that is, nobody ever gets out alive and there is no such thing as second chances. It's either you gotta do it now or else you will lose it all. So enjoy life as much as you can and really live it like everyday is going to be your last.
Funeral images copyright by Homer Medici Images.
